Knock It Off Cole.

Today I was waiting at the bus stop, listening to headphones I worked hard to pay for because I’m not a fucking thief like my sister. It was about negative 100 feet deep outside, that’s Italian for some sort of temperature, and needless to say my ears were nippy. I tried listening to music to warm up but then I realized I could just put on a hat! Once said hat was applied my chilly ear problem was solved which brings me to my point:

Knock it off Cole.

We get it. You go to journalism school. You wanted an excuse to write about Freddie Mercury so you disguised it in a story about freezing extremities. Queen doesn’t have anything to do with ear warmth and shouldn’t be advertised as winter headgear. All Queen does is rock my socks off. Who can have an awesome moustache and still wear spandex pants besides myself? Freddie can and did.

Knock it off Cole.

Another thing that bothered me was the fact that you called your usual playlist “stale and boring” and said it wasn’t “worthy of listening to”. If you move your eyes two inches to the left of this you’ll see a blog titled “Perfect Playlist can Cure Winter Blues”. That’s funny… I wonder if they’re the same playlist?

FACT: They more than likely are the same playlist!

I’ve know Cole long enough to know that she just listens to the same 18-25 songs over and over and over again. Sure, there’s a new rap song every 3 months that comes out and grabs her attention but besides that her “perfect playlist” has been the same since 2004. I know it’s hard to buy new music since the State News pays you in food stamps but c’mon!

Knock it off Cole.

Lastly, if there’s a link on Cole’s blog, it better go to a baby animal picture. When I click on something on Cole’s blog it’s because my Pavlovian tongue is drooling for some cute cuddly baby critter goodness. I don’t want to see early Freddie’s fucked up grill and mooseknuckle. Damn you for this dependency!

NEXT WEEK! Cole Is A Junky!

Mission Statement

My sister Cole is an aspiring journalist and an undergraduate at Michigan State University. She’s currently the reporter of the arts at the State News, the MSU college newspaper. In addition to this title, she also hosts a blog on the internet where she writes about flannel and banjos.

My name is Nicholas and I’m here to inform you that my sister is probably wrong. This is a big allegation seeing as she’s a published journalist. Her work with the State News seems sound proof and the artlice How to Make Paper Snowflakes is completely true and on my fridge. My main concern is that her opinion based blog is wrong. How can Cole’s opinions be wrong? They just are. I’m her older brother so I would know. After knowing Cole for 20 years I think I know more about her than you do. My mother and father are the only other people who have known her that long and I’m pretty sure they’d agree that she’s probably wrong. To prove my relation to Cole and give you some reasons not to trust her here’s a list of facts.

FACT! Cole hates mint. Who hates mint? What does Cole’s breath smell like? Probably garbage.

FACT! Cole can’t swim.

FACT! When me and Cole were roommates at my parents house where we grew up, SHE WET THE BED! That was only about fifteen years ago. I was there.

FACT! Cole sometimes matches her scarf to her shirt. That's redundant and annoying.

FACT! Cole doesn’t eat meat for made-up/hippie reasons.

FACT! Cole is a werewolf and a communist.

Still trust her? I don’t. I may only be four years older than Cole, but I’m also four years smarter. Think about it.

The purpose of this blog is to inform the general public of why my sister is wrong. I will probably have to contradict myself, express views I don’t actually believe, and make up lies about Cole while writing this blog, but it’s worth it. I’ll go to any extent to belittle my sister and I hope that this does the trick.

Remember, when Cole tells you not to read this blog, she’s my sister and therefore probably wrong.